To Mike Cleaver's mother, he was the most handsome man in the world. After all, he was her son and she loved him. He was heavyset or what was euphemistically called stout and had tried every new fad diet to lose weight but nothing worked. His self- confidence level was at zero. In desperation he took classes in behavior modification, yoga and even acupuncture. Jogging now forced him to wear orthopedic shoes that cost him over five hundred dollars a pair and his ankles and knee ached in cold weather. He had joined gym after gym and hired personal trainers; but at forty-five he was grossly out of shape and still overweight To compound the problem, he didn't have a man in his life and hadn't had a serious date or been involved with anyone for as long as he could remember. His best friend, Tom Anderson was no help in affairs of the heart. Tom thought that sex, love, and relationships were a waste of time and something that he had no interest in and neither should Mike. At least Mike yearned for someone while Tom was content to sit at home at night with his cat and listen to opera CD's, which numbered in the hundreds that he played on his stereo.

Mike and Tom had been childhood friends and had breakfast every Saturday morning at a Greek diner near Mike's apartment. To suggest to Tom that they might try eating someplace else would be considered an act of heresy. Tom was a creature of habit and change was something that he didn't handle well.

"Any plans for the weekend?" Mike asked to make small talk and conversation knowing what the answer would be as they sat having breakfast.

"Why are we sitting in the window seats," Tom complained in the whiny voice that grated on Mike's nerves. "You know how I hate the sun. It's shinning directly in my eyes and is playing havoc with my glaucoma. And why here in this section when you know how much I hate the waitress?" He shook his head admonishingly. "Will you listen to that group sitting and taking at the next table? It's only nine in the morning and who has that much energy at this time of the day. "

"Get it out Tom," Mike finally raised his voice. "Did your cat take a dump or did he finally die?" That last comment had Tom's eyes blazing.

"A lot you'd care if he did die," Tom voice dripped with sarcasm. "You're just asked hoping that I'll tell you that he did. Thank God he's fine, but he hasn't gone to the bathroom in two days."

"Is there ever a morning that you wake up feeling good about yourself and life?"

"Why should I? I can't get the subscriptions to the opera's that I want and my schedule is fucked up but you don't give a shit." His watery blue eyes narrowed. "And look who's talking. Since when have you become Mr. Personality? And since you asked, I hate the mustache that you're growing. "

"Why do I bother?"

"I tell you why you bother. You bother because if you look at the two of us, you're looking at two of the biggest losers that ever had the pleasure of inhabiting this green earth. I'm a reject from a seminary and you want a man in your life and can't get one. Together we spell loser with a capital L so that's why you bother. "

Tom had hit a nerve and Mike stared at his fruit salad. He was glad that the waitress had brought them coffee. Tom was right. Who wanted him? Who wanted a man who tipped the scales at two sixty and he wasn't even six feet tall. Mike was large boned with a round belly that no amount of sit-ups or crunches had made a dent in. He had robin blue eyes and brown hair that was beginning to gray at the temples. He thought about Liposuction but decided against it. The laughter of two young men who were evidently together made him happy for them but sad for himself. He wanted to be with someone to share his life with instead of spending weekends with Tom who complained about everything. But Mike knew that with all Tom's craziness he was truly a friend and would be there for him if he were needed.

"Is it so wrong that I want somebody in my life?" he stared at Tom who was smearing cream cheese over his bagel.

"Your problem is that you hadn't faced facts, but I have. We're a couple of losers, lonely hearts. The only difference is that I don't give a rat's ass but you do. Whether it's the medication that I'm taking," he chewed on his bagel. "Of which I'm certain is going to kill me." He sipped his coffee. "And if it doesn't, it sure has killed whatever sex drive that I had which was minimal to begin with. I have acne, glaucoma; gas that won't stop, but thank God it doesn't smell. Now I'm cripple and can't walk since those hikes in the park that you take me on in your quest to lose a pound." I joined a seminary for peace and enlightenment and found guys thinking that they were on the meat rack in Fire Island. So when you ask if there's a morning when I feel good about myself, there really isn't."

They finished their breakfast and then stood outside the restaurant making plans for the evening. That would take an hour because Tom had hang-ups about food.

"Not Thai, I hate it and don't you dare suggest that new Vietnamese place that you discovered and like the family. No, Mexican because we ate it last week. And don't even think about Indian. I hate curry and those exotic spices give me the runs for days. I'm open for Greek, Italian or French."

"You pick it," Mike said unenthusiastically. "I'll leave it to you. My house for cocktails at seven."

Mike bought a New York Times from the newsstand and headed to Central Park leaving Tom who heading towards the opera house to see if he could exchange tickets.

The sun felt good on Mike's face. He looked up at the construction going up around him and wondered how the people were going to pay the rents of the apartment houses they were putting up. Empty signs appeared on storefronts and Mike worried about the economy when he should really be concerned about finding a date. As he entered the park, his demeanor changed. Somehow he felt comfortable here. It was a beautiful day and alive with people out enjoying themselves. He walked past the merry go round stopping to watch young children as they happily rode on beautiful carved horses, their eyes big and wide as they passed waving parents. A balloon vender hawked his wares and kids stood in line to have their names imprinted on big colorful ones. He walked past young people roller-skating and meandered through the Rambles towards his favorite spot. Flowers were in bloom and the park was a riot of colors. He walked down a narrow path; past giant rocks that had been there since the Ice Age to a bench at the water's edge. The bench had been hewn out of a tree trunk. He liked to sit there for it was peaceful and quiet and he enjoyed watching the ducks that swam along the marshy reeds.

Sitting on the bench was a man doing the New York Times crossword puzzle. He appeared to be in his fifties. He was wearing shorts and waved to Mike.

"Sit. There's room for two big guys," he said putting down the paper and smiled. He was heavyset with a round face and soft blue eyes. His gray hair was cut short and his legs were tanned and smooth. He was a handsome man with fine features. His belly protruded over his beltline. "Not many people know this special spot," he said. "My name is John."

"Hi, I'm Mike."

"Well, Mike, sit and stay a spell. It's a beautiful day with not a cloud in the sky although we do need the rain."

They sat there looking at the lake and the kids fishing from the rocks. The stillness and the smell of honeysuckle filled the air.

"Do you come here often?" Mike asked."

"I use to come here a lot with my partner but after his death, I stopped coming. Today is the first time I've been here in ages. It hasn't changed and I'm glad I came."

"I'm sorry Mike said. "Sorry about your friend."

"Don't be sorry. I'm sorry to burden you on this glorious day. I didn't mean to."

"How long has your partner been dead?" Mike was surprised that he was engaging John in conversation. It was so out of character for him. But John had initiated the conversation and he seemed receptive.

"Three years last month. He suffered at the end and that is not how it should be." He threw a broken up roll that he hadn't eaten into the lake and the ducks came to feed. "I know I shouldn't do that but I know how they love to scavenge. Are you married?"

Mike laughed. "Do I look like I would be married?"

"Why? Is there a look when somebody is married? I must check to see next time I talk to my married friends. "

"I mean," he hesitated. "I'm gay." He blurted it out to a complete stranger and was surprised at how easily it came out.

"So, do you have a partner? Is that the correct expression? It used to be friend, lover, and mate. Now it's partner. I'm so confused with names and handles. It's like countries that change their name every day. Siam is now Thailand and Russia." He shook his head and put his chubby fingers to his strong chin. "They have split into more countries with names that I can't pronounce let alone spell. What about groups? It uses to be Orientals, now it's Asian. Even the woman who takes care of my house reminded me that she is no longer black but an African American. I'm getting to old for all this. So, do you have a partner?"

"I have no partner. Nobody in my life."

"John looked at Mike closely. "Why not?"

"Do you know anybody that wants a heavy guy? They want them young and looking like Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise?"

John had straight even teeth and his eyes were kind. There was softness about him. He asked questions but they weren't to offend but to know the person. "Why are you so hard on yourself?"

Mike looked at John. "That's a good question and I haven't thought about why there's no man in my life." He had known John all of twenty minutes and he was discussing his life history with him. "I would love to have somebody in my life but it hasn't worked out that way. I see myself getting older, set in my ways and wonder if it's too late for me. You had a partner who you shared your life with. You know the pain of his death but you also experienced the joy of his love. I have never had that and I want it. I want to know what it's like to wake up next to someone, to touch and hold him in my arms while he sleep knowing that he's safe in my arms. I want to know what it feels like to love someone with my whole being and that it's us and not just I. I do know what it's like to come home every night to an empty apartment and that tomorrow will be more of the same emptiness."

"Bravo," John clapped. "That was a beautiful speech which I'm sure comes right from the heart. I'm certain that you meant every word that you said."

Mike's face reddened, his brown eyes flashed and he felt himself beginning to get upset with this stranger who asked questions and now was putting him down.

"Can I be frank with you?"

"Why not. You just put me down and I've told you that I was gay and I've never done that with somebody that I just met."

" Don't be angry. You're right. Every man and woman should have somebody in his or her life to love and you and I are no exceptions. But the reality of meeting and keeping someone is hard work. Relationships of any kind are difficult at best. They are like flowers and they must be tended to or they will wither and die."

"So what are you getting at and what does all this have to do with me?"

"Such impatience. What I'm saying is that platitudes are wonderful but action is what really counts. You, my friend, have done nothing to help yourself." He smiled benevolently. "Don't mind an older man who talks. Listen for sometimes they do make sense. Feeling sorry for oneself is fine unless it gets in the way of your goals. It's wonderful to dream, but in order to make those dreams a reality, you can't sit home watching TV and then bemoan the fact that you have no one."

"So what are you suggesting?"

"If you want money you have to work for it. If you want a man you have to go to places where they congregate.

Mike looked perturbed. "What do you mean?"

"It means just what it means. What kind of business are you in? If I get to personal tell me. I was in the printing business. I sold my business and I am now enjoying the golden years.

"I'm an accountant and I have my own business."

"As an accountant, you know about debits and credits, pluses and minuses, last in and first out. But what have you done about finding a man? As a businessman, you promote yourself and your business. In the game of love, what have you done to market yourself?" He waved his hand in the air. "Nothing!" He smiled. " What have you really done about searching for this mister right that you so desperately seek? For someone who has waxed poetic, I'll bet that you sit home most nights and bemoan the fact that you have nobody?"

John was so on point that Michael stood there with his mouth agape. "You mean looking as in searching?"

"Yes, looking in bars, on the web, in the street when you walk. Men are out there waiting to be discovered but my friend you have to look. You, my friend, are like the horses in the park that walk around with blinders on their eyes. So, if you say you want somebody in your life then you must do something about it. "

"You're right but I have this thing about my weight and feel uncomfortable in bars where beautiful men with great bodies hang out."

"So don't go to those bars that cater to the young who wear no shirts and drink their beer from the bottle and dye their hair golden. Yes, there is nothing nicer then a beautiful body but that's not you and me. He patted his belly and then Mikes. "If we worked out eight hours a day, it would never happen. We have fat genes but we also were given brains to make up for the loss in the other area. Go to bars that cater to men that look like us. In certain societies avoirdupois is admired. It took the web for some of heavy guys to realize that we were sort after. You my friend would do very well. You have a nice looking face and a nice smile when you laugh which I bet isn't often. There's a world of men out that that would desire you."

"Well, as of this morning, nobody has broken down my door."

"You also have a sense of humor. I like that. You're bright and you've made me laugh which is something that I haven't done much of lately. One more person question."

"Sure."

"Why kind of men do you like?"

"A warm body."

John laughed. "I'm glad that we met. I needed a laugh today and you have done that. You look nice when you smile. You should do it more often."

"Looks have never been important to me nor age," Mike said. "If I like the person then I would go to bed with them. I want to be with someone because he sees me for me. Can you understand that?"

"I do."

"I want someone to have dinner with, go to the movies, travel to places that we both dreamed of. I also want to share a life with a man. It just hasn't happened for me. So I'm frustrated and have felt sorry for myself."

"When Tony, my friend died, I didn't know how I could survive," John spoke with no remorse. "I had lived so long with one man that I was like the ducks in this pond and you took them out of the water. I was lost and I retreated into a shell. I was angry and bitter. But the world didn't stop and neither could I. In time I went out and little by little I came out of the darkness. You're a nice looking man so don't sell yourself short."

Mike was touched. "John, that was very kind of you to say."

"Look Mike. You may see the glass as half empty and I see it as half full. We all look at things differently. I like heavy men so I see somebody sitting next to me that's attractive. Now if you were twenty five years old and looked like Brad or Tom I would just sit and do my puzzle and ignore them&&&.You, I am trying to promote."

"Are you telling me that you find me attractive?"

"I hope you're better with numbers then you are when someone is coming on to you or your clients are in serious trouble. I bet you lost many opportunities because you weren't aware of men propositioning you?"

You're interested in me?" He once again looked at John.

"I think he's got it, he understands. Yes, I think that you're very nice looking. I like men with meat on their bones. You happen to be padded the way that I like them. You do understand that?"

Mike blushed. "John," he spoke slowly. "I've always been insecure about my weight and how I looked. Now a man I just met tells me that I'm attractive. I would hug and kiss you here if there weren't people around. You have made my day, month and year."

"You're as red as the beets in the borsht that I make. Do you like borsht?"

"Cold or hot but it has to be with pirogue."

"I knew that I liked you." John smiled. "Nobody makes them better then me. With butter and sour cream. Mike, would you like to come to my apartment. We could have some coffee and talk and then who knows."

"I would love some."

"Then what are we waiting for."

continue reading...  The Bench - Part II